Final E-Portfolio

Can We Make This Last?

When little girls are daydreaming about their futures, they wonder what their prince charming will look like. From an early age children, especially girls, are persuaded to look forward to marrying their one true love and providing their spouse with the utmost care. Why else would we give pink brooms and oven sets to little girls for Christmas?

Because wanting to marry someone is instilled in us at an early age, it’s possible that we don’t fully understand the necessities that go into having a good, solid marriage. When we look at why marriages fail, we see that both a lack of communication and attention are top dogs.

       The building of communication and attention skills can be cemented during the engagement stage. How long do you think two people should be engaged? Six months? One year? Three years? Although everyone will have their own opinion about the length, probably a bigger point is how the two people feel. Whether it's two dates or two years, the couple's feelings about each other will be a bigger reason for keeping or ending their marriage. Taking on the length challenge, it could be beneficial to wait at least a year so that you can see what they're like all four seasons (thefrisky.com).

Emotional factors - such as non-communication and lack of attention - have also grown fast and are the most commonly mentioned of all motives for divorce (timesonline.co.uk). Marriages can't possibly last without these two foundations.

       In a research of divorced couples from 1949-72, 1973-84 and 1985-96, the results showed that the second most common complaint was "not able to talk", at 69% for women and 70% for men; followed by "not enough attention" at 67% for women and 70% for men (timesonline.co.uk).

A great number of failed marriages occur from a lack of communication and attention. Although this sounds like people are self-obsessed, everyone wants someone to show that they care about them. Maybe everyone should take a couples counseling class before they get married. Hmm...

Atterberry, Wendy. "How Long Should You Wait Before Getting Engaged?." The Frisky. N.p., 11 June 2009. Web. 15 Mar. 2011. http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-how-long-should-you-wait-before-you-get-engaged/.

This website talks about the engagement length and when it's appropriate timing to end the engagement and get married. It references the "waiting a year to see how the person is during each season".

Dobson, Roger, and Ed Habershon. "All work and no play leads to divorce." The Times. The Sunday Times.. N.p., 26 Mar. 2006. Web. 15 Mar. 2011. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article740123.ece.

This website mentions the percentages of divorces. It also mentions the emotional factors (communication and attention) that could lead to divorce if they aren't fulfilled.

What’s the Damage, Johnnie Cochran?

"Till death do us part.”

Based on the picture above, I’m guessing this isn’t so true anymore.  

When people get divorced it can be a big mess. There are lawyers, money being drained from your pockets, and a ton of stress. But have you looked into the expenses that go into getting a divorce?

Child and Spousal Support

If you have children then you’ll be faced with paying child support (if you’re the spouse who moves out). Child support is determined at the state level which means where you live could cost you more money. Because child support will take a good amount of your monthly income, theoretically it would take you longer to become financially stable again. You will be required to pay child support until the child is 18 years old, or until the age majority.

(As a side note, did you know that if your spouse doesn’t remarry, you could be faced with paying support until their retirement?!)

Attorney Fees

       If you’re the spouse who brings home the bacon, you’re probably going to get stuck with paying the attorney fees for not only you, but for your spouse, too. Although this sounds slightly unfair, if you think about it, you’re the one making the cash, not your spouse. After all, the other one has to pay the child support.

Moving Out

What about when you move out. Did you ever think about how much that could cost? Where you move to will determine how much more money gets taken out of your pockets. If you move into an apartment, your first and last month’s rent is due before you move in. Don’t’ forget you may need a storage facility if you have too many assets to move in on your own. Or, you could hire a professional moving company. That’s going to cost more cash, too.

Although divorce is a very costly arrangement, some people find that it is 100% worth it. When getting a divorce and giving up so much of your precious money is worth it, I guess couples therapy isn't an option anymore.

Cost of Divorce. Ed. Divorce Support Staff. N.p., n.d. Web. 17 Mar. 2011. http://www.divorcesupport.com/divorce/Cost-of-Divorce-112.html.
This part of the website http://www.divorcesupport.com/ talks about child/spousal support, the costs of moving out of your home, and small steps a newly divorced person should take.

“I’ll give you my dignity for the boat.”

  

When a divorce happens, things that you and your spouse previously owned together or shared get divided. You'll have to divide the possessions that you two shared and you'll have to divide the family cars, etc.

What about other things between you two that don't seem so easy to divide?

"That's my child, too!"

       When you get a divorce, you can expect to divide everything between you and your ex-spouse. However when it comes to dividing the kids that gets a tad bit tricky.

When you divide the possessions that you two shared, you may say, "Ok, well I like this vase more than the dining room set, so I want the vase." However, you can't very well just divide the kids. "I like Bobby better than Ashley, so I want Bobby."

      When it comes to custody, the court system will take an enormous amount of information into consideration.

Here are a few of those factors:

1.What is the environment of each parent's home life?

2.Did one of the parents abuse/neglect the kids?

3.Which parent is the primary caretaker?

4.Does the child have a preference?

What this ultimately means is that if you’re the spouse who makes less money, is the one who had to move out, or was neglectful, you will more than likely not receive custody of the children. Rather, you will be granted the short end of the stick (few visitations).

       Although the family pet isn't the first aspect of splitting things up when you think about divorce, it can be a major part of some divorces.

       When considering who gets the pet in a divorce, there are 4 things you should remember:

1.  Know how the law views your pet. In the US, laws view your pet as property. Therefore, it would be like deciding who gets the house and the boat. Although this seems slightly extreme, the animal will be awarded to the property owner.

2.  Put the welfare of the animal first. Some courts will view the animal as the family's child, and will therefore put the pet in the custody of who would be the best caregiver.

3.  Take steps to look after your pet. Anything can go into a pre-nuptial agreement. You should put your animal in yours so that if things go sour in your marriage, your animal will already be taken care of. Also, if you're in the midst of a divorce, your spouse can sign a separation agreement. This is basically a paper putting it in pen about who will get/pay what.

4.  Never use your pet as a bargaining chip. Think about the best interest of the pet. Although many other people will view your pet as just a pet, you may view your pet as your child. Not to mention a pet can be very intuitive about how you're feeling. Your animal could be there for you when you're feeling depressed about the divorce.

Quiz Law. N.p., n.d. Web. 18 Mar. 2011. http://www.quizlaw.com/divorce_law/how_does_a_court_decide_which.php.

 This website informs about child custody and what aspects go into deciding who gets to keep the children. It mentions a list of necessities.

WikiHow. N.p., 24 Apr. 2010. Web. 18 Mar. 2011. http://www.wikihow.com/Decide-Who-Gets-the-Pet-in-a-Divorce.

This website deals with the custody of animals. It gives tips and advice. It also has a video.

This Can’t Be Happening To Me

Kids of all ages have a million problems. If you're a baby, it's that you're hungry, tired, or upset. When you grow up to be a teenager, it's that you have a zit, that your crush likes your best friend, or that your size 6 pants don't fit anymore.

      But when your parents get a divorce, no matter how old you are, it will undoubtedly affect your life.

Babies

       Although babies can't fully understand that their parents are getting a divorce (or what it means), they could have inattention from the parents during the divorce. Also if they are over-protected, they may act more infantile than they really are.

Pre-Schoolers

       Though some regression in pre-schoolers is normal, some may regress longer if there's more marital dysfunction. On the other hand, they may feel responsible for the divorce and therefore try to act perfect. Anger, whining, or bossing is typical for pre-schoolers going through the divorce, also.

Grade School       Children of this age will exhibit many different ways of dealing with the divorce. The ranges are vast. The child could insist that everything is fine. Or, they could try to see the non-custodial parent more, or possibly withdraw from both parents. When kids have to take care of their parents or siblings after a divorce, they feel as if their childhood has been taken away. As a way to compensate for this, the child may resort to bad behavior such as lying, or may demand material objects.

Preteens

      Kids in this stage have a tendency to act out and laugh at discipline. Children who are constantly in the midst of their parent's turmoil can become suicidal. Girls could be jealous of their fathers new love interest and therefore not want to spend time with them.

Teenagers

      Perhaps to avoid the pain, teenagers may act out by behaving badly, being promiscuous, or abusing drugs. Whether the child is a male or a female they could have trouble learning their sex role if they don't live with the same-sex parent.

Although there's not an easy way to break the news of a divorce to your children, you can try to make it a little easy. It should be obvious that you, as a grown adult, shouldn't yell or show conflicts in front of the children, no matter how old they are. Even if your children are teenagers who have “seen it all”, that doesn’t mean that they should be subjected to seeing their parents fighting. So that you don't lose contact with your children, you need to make sure that you're involved in your kid's life, especially through the divorce.

Lancer, Darlene. Divorce Effects on Children by Developmental Stage. N.p., n.d. Web. 19 Mar. 2011. http://www.womansdivorce.com/divorce-effects.html.

This website gives all of the information about each stage, from baby to teenager. It leans toward the female perspective since the website is woman’s divorce.

 

Here We Go Again

  

After your divorce you may want to enjoy the rest of your life without another partner. Maybe the stresses of your previous marriage were just too much for you to ever want to try again.

      However, some people want to remarry someone totally different. Or maybe their ex-spouse?

      When people remarry their ex-spouse, they go into their somewhat-new-marriage knowing why things went wrong and possible ways to make it better.

Here are some helpful tips when remarrying your ex:

1.  Don't remarry for your kids. This will only get their hopes up. If the two of you don't work out again it will only make the kids sad and angry that it didn't work out for a second time.

2.  See a marriage counselor. Since your marriage didn't work the first time, it'd be a good idea to do this. It will allow you to learn from your past mistakes.

3.  Keep things honest and open. Communication is the most important part of a healthy relationship, be it a high school relationship or marriage.

If you're more interested in remarrying a different person, try to remember that about 60% of remarriages fail. When you’re thinking of remarrying, there are things that you need to understand on a very personal level.

1.  Don't try to choose a better wife/husband. You yourself need to try and be a better partner. If your first spouse was serious and focused, don't try to look for someone who is the complete opposite. Those aren't the kinds of traits you should be changing.

2.  You shouldn't bring your emotions from your first marriage into your second one. After your first divorce you will feel sad, angry, hurt, and a boat load of other emotions. You have to move past those feelings in order to make the new marriage work.

3.  Remember why things went sour. Although you should get over your past feelings of hurt and anger, you need to remember why things went sour so that you can keep things sweet with your new marriage.

4.  Interact with your new spouse and your kids. If you have children from your past marriage, try to have them interact with your new spouse. Kids will feel upset and angry about their parent's divorce, which would make them resent their parents new spouse. It's a good idea to try and have the kids involved in activities between you and your new spouse.

Although remarrying can be hard, whether it's to your ex-spouse or a new one, you have to take into consideration all of this advice. If you want to have a new and healthy relationship you need to have an open mind that this new one won't end up like the past one. Keep your head up high and think positive!

Stritof, Sheri, and Bob Stritof. About.com Marriage. N.p., n.d. Web. 20 Mar. 2011. http://marriage.about.com/cs/secondtimearound/a/secondtime.htm.

 This website helps with talking about remarrying your ex-spouse. It gives tips and advice. The article authors are an old married couple.

Marano, Hara. Smart Marriages. N.p., n.d. Web. 20 Mar. 2011. http://www.smartmarriages.com/remarrying.html.

 This website explains ways to go into a new marriage successfully. It gives tips also. It's from a psychological view.